flyingtigers9's Xanga

What is love...?

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 21:52:11 GMT

On this, the day of lovers... I once again pose that question. I have recently gone through a two year relationship where I thought I have found the "love" of my life. And now, I am worse for having endured it. Before I fell head over heels into this relationship, I questioned the concept of love. I tried to deconstruct this social construct. Is there really such a thing as love? Or is it just something that we believe in because it helps us sleep better at night? To believe that there is someone out there that you are fated/destined to meet is a warm blanket to wrap yourself in. To think that you will eventually grow old and gray with someone next to you is a comfortable idea for you to nestle yourself in. To think that there is a perfect match to take you away from this life of solitude is a sedative for those lonely sleepless nights. It's all well and good that there are comforting thoughts and warm ideas that we can seek shelter in while living in this harsh reality. But one does not live in ideas or in fantasy. The reality is that love is just an idea that is impossible to define or describe. To achieve something or to obtain something or to find something, one must have an idea of what that something is. It's like asking for directions from ten different people and receiving ten different answers as to how to reach your destination. How are you suppose to find what you're looking for if you don't know what it is? I am no longer young, nor am I old. But through these years on this Earth, I have heard many a description as to what love is.

Some will tell you that love means you enjoy the other person's company. But one can enjoy the company of friends without falling in love with every one of them. Some will tell you that you know you're in love because time flies by way too fast. Time flies when you're having fun and it stops to a crawl when you're suffering. Just because you're having fun with someone does not mean you're always going to have fun with them. Life is full of trials and tribulations, eventually the fun will stop and hurdles must be overcome. That's when some stray... they think that something has changed in the relationship and they seek to return to the fun. In reality, nothing has changed in the relationship, it's situations that dictate fate. Some will tell you that love is this warm feeling that you get when you stare into your mate's eye and know that they're the one. The funny thing about that is.. not everyone marries the first person they're in love with. So how many times do you get that warm feeling and know that the person standing before you is the one? Some will tell you that love is the feeling that you can't live without the other person. Well, that's just some co-dependency issue that needs to be resolved by therapy. Or else end up like some emo teenagers who commit suicide after knowing each other for a week(i.e. Romeo and Juliet). Some will tell you that you know you're in love because you can't stop thinking about the other person. Well, if that is the case then stalkers shouldn't be labeled stalkers, they should be labeled "lovers". Some will tell you that love is caring about the other person. You can care about someone and not be in love. Some will tell you that love is lust. On some level, this is the truth. Love is a justification for lust. When you boil it down to the bare essence, it's all about sex. As good as the emotional high we get from being in love, it can not beat the physical euphoria we experience as we coil together writhing in a sweaty rhythmic dance. But sex can exist without love. Some will tell you that love is the spark you get when you get when you kiss or touch. Just because I get shocked by touching a metallic door knob, it doesn't mean I love the door knob. Sparks fade as time wears on. Sooner or later, complaints of the lack of spark will come. Some will tell you that love is feeling like your body is light as a feather and it's as if you're on cloud nine. That may be true at first.. you feel like your relationship is out of this world and you never want to come back. But as with all things.. the novelty wears out and you'll wonder if this is it for the rest of your life. Some will tell you that love is feeling like your heart is beating so fast that it is almost going to jump out of your throat and explode. My heart beats as fast as a humming bird when chased by a vicious dog, but it does not mean that I am in love with the mutt. As for me... I learned that if you love someone... you cry for them. You cry when they are in pain. You cry when they hurt you. You cry when you know that despite your best efforts, there is nothing you can do to maintain your relationship. You cry when you know that it is over. You know that a big part of you have died and nothing can be the same again. The more you love someone, the harder you should cry. The copious amount of tears I have shed can fill the proverbial river... After all this, I still do not know what love truly is. It's no better than navigating in the dark. Just a lonely heart calling out for another in the darkness that is life.

I have seen a good amount of romance movies during my relationship. It seems like the most popular ones are those that involve a love triangle. It is my impression from speaking to many a lady friends that "the Notebook" and "Titanic" are some of the best love stories. But if you do not get caught up in the movie and just take a cursory look you'll see that on the surface they are really just stories about love triangles. One minute she loves some guy and then the next minute she loves the protagonist. But doesn't anyone feel bad for the guy that was spurned? In the movies they were portrayed as villains, but in reality aren't they the victims of a fickle heart? She loves you one minute then loves another the very next minute. It is ludicrous this thing called love. It is almost as if all the world is a masquerade ball and everyone in it is constantly switching partners. Your strong feelings for the one you love can either last or it can be a fart in the wind... only to linger slightly until you find your next partner.

I don't believe in this thing call love any more. I can't subscribe to something so fickle... something so vague... something so nebulous... something so amorphous.

To the rest of you... happy corporate holiday. :)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 11:46:31 GMT

Sometimes I think this is what my cat is thinking... I've suffered numerous amount of scratches and bites all over my body. She sometimes hide behind a chair, and as I'm walking by, she would run real fast towards me and attack my leg at full speed with claws fully extended. Sometimes I would try to hold her up... but she jumps on my shoulder and slide down my back with her claws out to slow her down. Unfortunately, my back is what her claws are digging into. I have a lot of scratches on my back... one from my neck to my lower back... And let me tell ya, next day at the gym... sweat + open cuts = reliving the pain... And every freaking time I open a can of tuna, she would come out of nowhere like a ninja and try to take my food. Yesterday, I was eating a steak and some tuna... sitting on the sofa. And out of nowhere I hear something small running towards me at full speed... She jumps and falls short of getting to the top of my lap... So she decided to climb up... unfortunately, she was extremely close to my crotch and that hurt like a motherf@$%^*. This morning at 5 am... She wanted to get to the window, so she used my face as a platform to get there. She stepped on my cheek and jumped to the window sill.

I'm not sure who the owner is... because I'm being owned by this 1 yr old psychotic cat! Well, I'm just glad I'm not the dog. Cuz he's her bitch... She would chase him out of a room. And she would bite him on the ass while he's sleeping. He's got at least 30lbs on her and he's running away... Oy vey.

Check out this rap video about hanging with Bob Saget (he's the dirtiest man in show business... by dirty I mean raunchy). http://www.break.com/index/rollinwsaget.html

Altruism Vs. The Selfish Gene

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 17:53:00 GMT

Altruism - Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.

It's a pretty broad definition isn't it? Everybody likes to think of themselves selfless... But let me clear up what it means to be altruistic. Some use this example: "a father pushes his son out of the way of a car and gets killed in the process". Some would say that's altruistic, but it's not. There's something to gain in this act, he helps to insure his genes survive down the generations. If he lost his life for someone he did not know, then that's altruism in it's purest form. Some people think that giving to charity or homeless people is altruism. But that's not quite altruistic either. It helps to alleviate that feeling of guilt of having when others have not. Although it's pretty close to true altruism.

I think altruism does not and should not exist. It is a sign of weakness. Man is genetically selfish. That is how we survive. To help others is to increase competition. Competition for resource, competition for space, and competition for mates. People who go out of their way to help others are taken advantage of. They will not move far in this world. Don't think of my thoughts as something a deranged person would say. Think of it like this. A forest has many trees. The tallest trees gets the most sunlight. By branching out and covering the sky do they accomplish this. And in doing so they take out the light for the others . Those that do not fight for survival selfishly will be stunted in growth. It's a sad thing, this idea of altruism. We, humans instill in our next generation the morals and ideology of altruism, justice, and honor that we so cherish. Hoping they can further our culture and enlighten us to new heights. Yet, they can never be achieved because of our needs for survival... They can only be considered a myth like Shangri-la or a concept like "utopia". In the end, only greed advances society.

The kind ones are stepped on... Like protruding stones in a babbling brook, they help others cross, but will forever be cemented in place. Why do girls like bad boys? That's easy, only the strong survive. And you don't become strong by being a nice guy. People who are selfish and greedy advance far in society. They are enamored by the masses for soaring so high. For when you reach the pinnacle of society, you can manipulate the views of those who are beneath you. For the "Just World" view prevails for many of us... Fortune is visited upon those who are just, and misfortune curse those who are vile. Is Bill Gates a good guy because he donates millions to charity yearly? Or is he evil because he stabbed Steve Jobs, his friend and mentor, in the back by stealing concepts from Apple and creating Microsoft? Fortunate is he who is without compassion and sympathy.

Fortunate, fortunate, fortunate...?

I desperately want someone to argue this post. For if I'm right, my view of society will become lower than it already is...

Dang cat...

Tue, 16 May 2006 16:59:44 GMT

My right shoulder is tore up. Scratches all over. It stings when I'm in the shower and it itches when I'm not. Stupid cat... I tried to train her to perch on my shoulder like a majestic eagle. But I guess she's afraid of heights like I am. So she tried to climb down. But as she is doing so, she dug her nails in my shoulder like it was a scratching post. Oh well, I guess it's not natural for a cat to be sitting on someone's shoulder eh?

update: Boy, talk about a lesson learned... Everybody knows that water and oil don't mix. Apparently not me. I got home and ate a can of tuna (because I wanted kreatine to volumize my muscles). But that tuna is not the ones that sits in water, it was soaked in oil. So after my oily snack, I took a big bottle of water and hit the gym. Everything was great until I started to drink a lot of water. Oh man, talk about agony. I was on the verge of throwing up. I kept berping... And it tasted/smelled like tuna. It's like I had to fight my way out of a warf by biting everything in sight. Ugh... I'm home now and a bit rested... But still feel bad. No more tuna that's soaking in oil. Or at least I can't eat it before going to the gym. On the plus side, I had more energy and my muscles are tight and hurts. Mmmm... pain.

Ye olde english...

Mon, 01 May 2006 14:45:01 GMT

Saturday morn... I was mired in deep slumber. Dreaming of hand fed grapes by scantily clad maidens. When suddenly, the fair maidens in my dream roars and turns into horrid beasts. My good dream was split asunder and I awoke to find the noise still lingering and a strange odor in the air. I peered through my window to search for the origin of this disturbance. I spied three children playing with a broken lawn mower. The mower kept stalling out and spewing out this thick cloud of toxic fumes. The three children would jump into this cloud and take deep breaths as if their lives depended on it. They looked like hippies dancing in a cloud of haze. This went on for a good hour. Their antics made the children of yore, who feasted on paint chip, look smart. Oh, stupid children without adult supervision... how I pity thou. For when thou grow up, tis going to be a far more difficult task to keep thy drool in thy mouth. Well, I guess that's natural selection at work. Fair thee well little ones... for your parents obviously does not care. They can always make more...

I write like this cuz I watched all 3 episodes of Lord of the Rings over the weekend. And olde english is stuck in my head. Lodged betwix my frontal lobes.

P.S. I find these girls to be extremely attractive. Natural beauties... so hot...

Feeling sick...

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 01:59:01 GMT

Man, Saturday was a mixed bag of ... Well, how do I say this? It was a weird day. I had fun with my friends but my body was aching like hell.

The weird ass day started at 6 am. Somebody called my cell phone to leave a weird message. The number was blocked and the message was as follows: "hey, Yi. You're so damn tall... When you jumped up, your head got stuck in God's ass. Beeatch." I have no clue who that was. I know most of my friends' voices and I never heard that voice before. I kinda found that humorous. I mean who was so bored, they woke up at 6 am just to prank call me. Maybe it's the new fad... you heard of drive by shooting... now, there's call up insults.

So later on I went to go hang out with my buddy Albert and his girl Katherine. We went to Joe's noodle house. Now here's the thing I think got me. I tried some rabbit meat. But it's incredibly spicy. That later contributed to the worse feeling I've ever had... After the meal, we went to D&B for some games. Everyone had a great time. Afterwards, we went to dinner at A&J. By that point, I think the spice was already kicking my system's ass. When I got home, I had the worst heartburn ever. I felt like I was on fire. My body was actually very hot. I felt like I was sleeping on a bed of nails. I actually thought I was having a heart attack. My hands and feet were tingling and were numb. I felt like throwing up. But after freaking out for a minute. I thought it might have been heartburn or food poisoning. I tried to sleep it off, but I kept waking up every 2 hours. I kept having this really weird dream. It wasn't a nightmare or a good dream. It's just confusing. I was in a war room planning how to go to war with some country. And this dream will not go away. I even tried to stay up for an hour and then sleep. But it just continued. Finally by about 5 am, I passed out. When I woke up at 2 pm, I found my lower lip in a red welt (like I got punched). All day today, I didn't feel good. Stayed in bed and ate nothing until 9 pm. A box of animal crackers.

I had fun on Saturday with my friends. But I coulda done without the pain later on. Oy vey

By the way, everyone know about the fortune cookie thing right? You know... whatever your fortune says you add "in bed" to the end of it to make it funny.
Well, this is what I got this weekend:

In bed, baby!!! In bed... Haha

Disillusioned...

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 21:18:39 GMT

While I was at work, I thought it would not bother me. But that's because I had work... I was distracted. But as I got in my car for the long drive home... It started to slowly creep into my mind until it took over. I drove in a trance state, thinking only of it.

Ever wanted something so bad as a kid you wished, you begged, and you prayed for it? And when you got it, it's not what it seemed? You thought having it would make you happy but it doesn't? Well, when it's a life goal instead of a childish desire... it's just... I don't know how to say this except I'm disillusioned. You get what you want, but it doesn't turn out to be what you thought it would be... Life has a way of throwing you curve balls... It's sort of a way to remind you that you're nothing. Damn, I guess my thoughts are flawed. Either that or I had too much hope. Hope is the killer of dreams and the rude awakening of reality.

I don't know what I'm writing either. Just randomly rambling puts my mind at ease...

I've said it before and I'll say it again "fate is a real fucking tease"...

Asian males... getting the short end of the stick in society

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 02:21:47 GMT

Before reading this, I just want to warn you that I'm writing on a controversial topic. Some of you might label me as a racist and some of you might totally agree with me. Let me just say this before you read on. I drive a Civic and I always notice the same make and model of Civic on the street... You'll see what I mean...

This all started over a conversation with Jen over guys with Yellow Fever. I'm leaving that conversation alone. However, she asked me why Asian girls go out with these guys with Yellow Fever. I believe that Asian men are underrepresented or misrepresented in society. More so in areas without a good concentration of Asians. Let me ask you this question: When was the last time you saw a male Asian newscaster? I'm excluding California because they have male Asian newscasters on almost every freaking channel. Name five male Asian actors that do not perform martial arts, run a convenience store, run a dry cleaner, or a Chinese restaurant in movies or tv. There is almost no male Asians playing a normal role on tv or in the movies. By normal, I mean a male Asian playing a lead role in a romance film or maybe a male Asian playing a lead role in a drama. It's not going to happen. Sure, "Harold and Kumar" has 2 Asian males. But that's like one in what... 50 movies that comes out per year? Every date movie has either a White male or a Black male playing the lead. Never an Asian. And some of you will say "there are male Asians in the media, you just don't see them". I refer you to the Civic comment up top. We are underrepresented by the media. And when we are represented, we're either a doctor or some convenience store owner. There is no in-between. That has to influence how an Asian girl looks at ideal mate. A lot of Asian girls are brought up thinking their prince charming has blue eyes and blond tress. You can deny it if you want, but the media plays a huge part in society. From how to dress, to how to dance, to what's cool. We Asian male gets screwed by the media. That's why there's not a lot of White girls dating Asian men. Why the discrepancy? We get all the worst stereotypes. Either too brainy and not social or runs convenience stores and fobby. And of course, theres that small penis rumor. You know what? All I want to say to that is we Asians make up of half the world's population. Not the size that matters, we get the job done. We normal Asian guys are out there. Don't fucking group me in any of those categories.

Those who disagrees with my entry... All I can say is this: "go home and eat a banana". And if you think I'm racist, then you must think Dr. King was racist too for pointing out inequalities in society.

Superiority!!!!

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:28:52 GMT

Needed to write and express myself... since the only way you can know who you are is to be compared to another... here:

Boy am I glad I am man. The top of the food chain! I rule all that I survey... I am superior in every way!

Stupid ant... you're born into a nursery. You are fed by random ants that takes care of you constantly. You grow and you work for the hive. You work all summer and rest all winter. You get old and then you die. I on the other hand, born to and raised by busy parents who has almost no time to see me grow and develop. Spend 20 something odd years in school learning how to work. Work for the next 50 years to benefit my society and gets to retire. Spending the rest of my life wondering what my purpose in life was all about. And I'm smart enough to know that my life on Earth is limited. So I work extra hard so I can make the most of myself. I'm not going to end up one in a million like you. (although I'm one in 6.3 billion...)

Stupid gold fish... living in your water bowl. Oblivious to what's around you. Staring at me through your distorted bowl. Only coming up to fight for food that I give you. I on the other hand am lead by the nose by my elected officials. I know all that I'm allowed to know. I see the world through the blurred views that the media shows me. I will only have to fight another for the wealth that supposedly trickles down from the rich. As for food, I live in a world where I have enough to eat myself Mc silly and still have enough money to feed the army of bums on the street. Although my tax money goes toward feeding and sheltering them, they seem to be abundant in the streets looking miserable and hungry. They're invisible in our society. They're there but we just can't see them.

Stupid wolf... You hunt down a prey in a pack. You have to coordinate your attack and share your meal. You feed according to hierarchy. I on the other hand live in a world where tons of gang members shoot down other gang members and innocent people on a daily basis. Our gangs don't kill for food; our gangs kill for power, prestige, and money. Not only that, our gangs are but a small part of a larger whole. Our biggest gang takes the fight overseas and kill for oil and world dominance in the name of peace. Shoot, if you think we'll share the meal afterwards, you're crazy! We'll gladly take on our former friends for the spoils of war. If you don't believe me, look at Russia. That's what you get for fighting us after WWII for Germany... you and your futile Cold War.

Stupid bird... chirping away all day. Constantly singing your songs without a care in the world. *Chirp chirp chirp*. I on the other hand, live in a world of free speech bandaged by censorship. Try to say something on tv or radio... if it offends just one sheep herder living in a mountain somewhere. See how fast your program gets yanked off the air and a massive fine bestowed upon your head. I think that's totally bogus, my freedom of speech is *beep beep beep*...

Stupid emperor penguin... The males of your species are stupid because after the female lays the egg, the guys sit on the egg through out the harsh winter while the females leave to search for food. You sit there for months at a time, living off your fat reserves not leaving your young to the harsh elements. In the world I live in, not only are there fathers who do not care for their children. There are even fathers that disappear after they find out their girl is pregnant. How great they are... what men they are. Their children will grow up fatherless. What kind of example is that to set for the next generation?

Stupid cow... you eat all day and do nothing. Look how fat you are. Have you no shame? I on the other hand live in a society where tv and magazines tells me that I have to have a 12 pack stomach and so much muscles I can't put my hands together above my head. I can enjoy my meal, as long as I feel guilty about eating and have to work my butt off. Or I can starve myself so I can look in the mirror and judge myself worthy to be presented to another human being with the same hang up. I have to look like the skinny stick man in my magazine. Because as the world knows, he's a living Adonis. All women want him and all men want to be like him. Lets not forget he's probably on crack, live under a false public image for his entire 15 minutes of fame, pack on tons of makeup, and probably so in love with his own image that he does not want to waste his affection fawning over another.

Stupid cat... content to sleep under the warm sun. Happily playing with your ball of yarn. Purring when petted by your master. How much of a waste is your life? I on the other hand, have so much options in life. I get to choose what makes me happy. Or maybe society will tell me what makes me happy... After all, it tells me how to dress, the degree to pursue to get the most respect, and the job I have to take to make the money that will buy me enough respect and happiness until the next payday. Boy, would I like to be one of those billionaires. Those trend setters that feast on raw fish eggs, snails and frog legs. Look how they wear the most expensive animal fur (no caveman can compare to that). Look how wasteful they live, spending enough money on a car to buy a house. Enough money on a meal that can feed a state. Enough money on sparkling diamonds to make the Sun envious. Shoot, compared to their way of life, how can I ever be happy with my life? Everything seem so cheap. I guess I'll have to work my knuckles to the bone so I can buy the constantly changing expensive things the rich people are selling so I can look good and they can get richer.

Boy, look at your stupid animal lives and look at how complex and sophisticated my life is. Envy me, for I am the superior... am I not?

Friday, February 24, 2006

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 14:33:40 GMT

I've been thinking about this and noticing it in life since college. There's a whole old vs. young type thing going. It's in every facet of society. In college, I took Greek and Roman mythology. The Greeks and Romans of yore were very analytical and observant. One important thing they saw was that there's a power struggle between the old and the new. They intergrated that lesson in their religion. At first there was Gaia (mother Earth). She created her lover, Oranos (father Sky). They were locked in an embrace. Soon Gaia gave birth to the old gods. They were known as the Titans. However, since Gaia and Oranos were locked in embrace, the Titans were trapped in Gaia's womb. The leader of the Titans, Cronus, used his sickle and chopped off his father's penis. There by releasing the Earth from the Sky. For a while the Titans ruled the Earth. Cronus married his sister Rhea and they had babies. Cronus knew and feared that he would eventually be overthrown by his offsprings. So everytime Rhea gave birth, Cronus would swallow the baby, imprisoning the young gods in his stomach. Rhea was upset that Cronus kept swallowing their kids. She gave birth to their sixth child Zeus, but gave Cronus a rock wrapped in a blanket. Zeus was raised by his grandmother Gaia. And when he came of age he was given a potion that he gave to Cronus to induce vomiting and freeing his siblings. Then came the battle between the Titans and the Olympians. The Olympians won and banished the Titans to Tartarus. Zeus also feared that his offspring would one day over throw him. So he swallowed his first wife, Metis. There by controlling the birth of his offsprings. That's how he was able to give birth to Athena through his forehead. And Zeus also went around sleeping with mortal women and nymphs. To insure his offsprings are not powerful enough to overthrow him. His only offspring with his wife Hera was Ares. Although Ares was the god of war and very ambitious. He was no match for Athena, who was very loyal to Zeus. And that's how the power struggle between old and new was stopped for a while. Until new religions took over. Gradually, the Romans turned from polytheisim to monotheisim.

I also see this in history. A lot of countries have thousands of years of history. But the newer countries are always at war with the older ones. Take for example: China. 2000 years of history. At a point in history, before WWII, China was weakened by opium imports from Great Britain. Britain and the rest of Europe were considered younger nations compared to China. China at that point was trying to ban opium because it caused a lot of problems (addiction, death, people not wanting to work). But GB insisted that they had a right to sell opium to the Chinese people. That's when anti-western movements started. One of these societies were called Boxers by the westerners. They were rebels who attacked pretty much anything foreign. The empress of China at the time wanted to remove the westerners from China, so she backed these rebels. This was called the Boxer Rebellion. Eight nations formed an alliance and quelled the rebellion. They were Japan, Great Britain, Russia, Germany, France, United States, Italy, and Austria. Most of those nations were relatively young compared to China. The eight nations weakened China and set up perfect condition for the invasion of Japan later during WWII.
Another example would be United States. When we went to war against Great Britain, Germany, Russia (cold war), and now the Middle East. I think the younger the nation the more aggressive it becomes.
Look at Japan. It was basically reborn after WWII.